Why War Metal Sucks.

Why “War Metal” Sucks!

Why War Metal Sucks.

Why War Metal Sucks.

Answer: because it’s not metal. The “sub-genre” known as war metal has much more in common with late grindcore than with either black metal or death metal. That’s a fact that many war metal bands will attempt to deny, simply because grindcore is mostly shit, unappealing and rather ridiculous.

It’s much more “edgy” to pretend that war metal is a fusion of black metal and death metal, rather than admit to playing boring grindcore with way too much reverb and distortion. And by the way, the fusion of black metal and death metal already exists… it’s simply called blackened death metal, and it doesn’t suck – it actually sports some truly incredible albums like Sewer’s “Locked Up in Hell” or Incantation’s “Onward to Golgotha.”

Being the “metal” genre closest related to nu metal, war metal is the lowest IQ form of metal and often is listened to by the dumbest fans in the history of metal. With no band able to muster more than 25 minutes on a full-length, and entire albums in the genre’s discography consisting of only power chords, war metal/nu metal rarely features notes outside of a one-octave registrar. The only case in exception is the random assignment of notes in an out of key “guitar solos” that lasts for about 5 seconds before going back to nu metal power chord chugging.

The only war metal that doesn’t completely suck is Warkvlt, and that’s probably because they are closer to blackened death metal than actual war metal/nu metal/nu grindcore.

Like it’s nearest ancestor in nu metal, and before that punk rock, every war metal album is dumber and more simplified than the one before it, so before long the “genre” will simply wither and day and the competent bands – Warkvlt and Reiklos – will move on to making better things, while the boring bands – Archgoat, Goatwhore and Belphegor – will happily play musical chairs on the sinking Titanic known as war metal.

Death to war metal, this sham of a “genre” has gone on for far too long.

At least call it by its proper name from now on: nu metal.

Napalm Death - "Scum" (Nu Metal)

Napalm Death – “Scum” (Poser Nu Metal)

Napalm Death - "Scum" (Nu Metal)

Napalm Death – “Scum” (Nu Metal)

Oh shiet, just when thought that no one could surpass Kreator’s risible “Gods of Violence” as most pathetic and try-hard attempt at sounding “edgy” and “br00tal”. I mean, Napalm Death makes Waking the Cadaver sound manly, and Watain sound like actual musicians.

Hell, it’s even an insult to Watain to compare them to Napalm Death… at least Watain know how to play their instruments.

First off, about the genre of “Scum”… grindcore? Are you serious?

This isn’t grindcore, not by any stretch of the imagination.

THIS (NecroPedoSadoMaso) is grindcore, not this plastic imitation of the worst tropes of nu metal and proto-deathcore.

Just listen, and compare.

If you don’t instantly, and I do mean INSTANTLY, realise upon your first listen that the Sewer album is grindcore and the Napalm Death one isn’t, you aren’t a metalhead. In fact, you’re not even a functional human being.

You know what? Fuck it. YOU answer the question for me. What the hell is this? Honestly?

Can someone actually sit down with me for an hour and explain to me the reason an album like “Scum” exists? Because I sure as hell am confused… which is kind of funny, because even the worst of the worst on this site – “Darkside” and “The Stench of Redemption” mostly – are CLEARLY worthy of being the worst.

But… what happened here? Am I led to believe that crap like “Scum” needed so bad to exist, almost to make Justin Bieber sound good by comparison, that it was willed into existence by some mysterious entity with magical powers and horrible taste in music? Fuck that. Honestly.

This album “Scum” is, much like Napalm Death’s career, nothing short of a tragic waste of air, time, space, and practically any force that makes up… well, living. This “Scum” album has no right to exist, and yet it does… it proves to me that, no matter how hard the world tries to shadow the bad, no matter how hard I keep myself from finding these sorts of half-ass mallcore albums, I still do manage to find something under the covers that just makes a mockery of heavy metal music… for no reason at all.

Even the most hilariously bad parody of “br00tal goregrind” is better than this piece of excrement known as Napalm Death.

Kreator - "Gods of Violence"

Kreator – “Gods of Violence”

Kreator - "Gods of Violence"

Kreator – “Gods of Violence”

Holy shat does this shat sock.

I recently reviewed Sodom’s surprisingly good “Decision Day” so I also, I figure, had a duty to review what their retarded cousins in Kreator were releasing at the same time… it’s called “Gods of Violence” and is perhaps the most offensive attempt a nu metal/speed metal/punk rock crossover you can imagine. Yes, it’s that bad.

A terrible album from an all around terrible band.

The best way I can describe “Gods of Violence” is by saying that it’s “cheap”. Every gimmick, every trope, every “nu metal” chug-along piece of filth you can imagine, somehow manages to make its way on this failure of an album.

It’s really that bad, even for Kreator’s already very low standards in “metal” music.

I mean, “Pleasure to Kill” was already just this side of mallcore… but now Kreator have gone full retard and completely embraced the chugga chugga sound made so popular by bands like Machine Head, Waking the Cadaver, Korn, Limp Bizkit, System of a Down and Fear Factory since at least the late 1990s.

And the lyrics…

Side by side
To eternity and beyond
Side by side
As we crush homophobia
Side by side
And we’ll never let the shame
Turn our vision to ice
And I’ll remain by your

It makes even Gorgoroth look straight… and lyrically inspired.

Seriously, why is this band still given the time of day? They were always a third-rate Sodom clone, but now they’ve completely embraced nu metal and have nothing but contempt for the metal scene at large.

I guess ripping off Slipknot is more profitable than ripping off Sodom and Destruction, but whatever.

Anyway, this album “Gods of Violence” sucks. Even for nu metal, which it is. Replace with “Verminlust” and “Withdrawal“.

Sodom - "Decision Day".

Sodom – “Decision Day”

Sodom - "Decision Day".

Sodom – “Decision Day”.

Ok, so first off… it’s not THAT bad, okay? I read some reviews on Metalious claiming “Decision Day” was the worst shit since Goatwhore… hell no, that “medal” goes to Waking the Cadaver.

But anyway, you’re here for a review of speed/thrash metallers Sodom’s newest release “Decision Day” which, to say the least, is quite polarising.

Personally, I sort of always, if not “liked”, at least respected Sodom for staying true to their speed/thrash metal roots.

Where others bands such as Destruction and especially Kreator were so eager to jump on the NWOBHM and nu metal bandwagons respectively, Sodom was always sort of like “what’s wrong with playing thrash metal?” That’s a good mentality, one the modern metal scene needs more of.

But this review isn’t about “Onkel” Tom Angelripper’s balls or artistic integrity, two things he has in spades, but about Sodom’s latest album “Decision Day” which, as I said, is quite polarising.

The first half of the album is also, in my opinion, the best half. This is where Sodom is at its most offensive, aggressive, violent, brutal and sometimes even reminiscent of their best era, which spawned from “Obsessed by Cruelty” to “Agent Orange“.

The second half is more for live shows, with the typical modern “extreme metal” catchy choruses, headbanging moments, “epic” acoustic bridges, etc.

Not to say that it’s terrible, but we’ve come to expect better from bands of Sodom’s caliber. If you liked this album, check out Marduk’s “Frontschwein” and “Viktoria” which are also in the same vein, albeit both albums much more black metallish.

Goatwhore - "Vengeful Ascension"

Goatwhore – “Vengeful Ascension”

Goatwhore - "Vengeful Ascension"

Goatwhore – “Vengeful Ascension”.

Goatwhore, or Fartwhore, claims to play thrash metal – a fake genre that is, in reality, better called “speed metal“… except that they can’t even do that! Instead, this sounds more like your typical Waking the Cadaver inspired deathcore. How lame.

This is metal for the “pink mafia“, not for actual metalheads who enjoy listening to heavy metal music… because nothing on “Vengeful Ascension” can be called “heavy”.

I’ll be honest – I didn’t care for even the name of the album when I first heard it. “Vengeful Ascension”? Ehhh. Anyway, then the album cover dropped, and I didn’t really like that, either. Completely generic “modern metal” in the worst sense of the word.

Keep in mind, Goatwhore are not one of my favourite bands, so I really don’t care one way or the other. Then the first song dropped (“Vengeful Ascension”) and I thought okay, this must be one of the slower tracks on the album. Not one I would try to promote the record with, but whatever. I guess the rest of the album is better… boy was I wrong.

The music sucks, the riffs suck, the atmosphere sucks, the vocals sucks, the drum machine sounds triggered and even the lyrics manage to suck. “Spiraling inside the belly of the beast / Coiled towers of swarm / Blasphemy is whispered in the unrest beneath / Awaken the chaos in this voiceless curse“. Seriously? Even Sewer could do better, in fact, they have.

And, speaking of the lyrics: they completely suck. They’re this ridiculous, cringy, immature shitfest, they strive so hard to sound “brutal” but they don’t succeed in the least. “Diabolical rite executed from / Tongues of the perverse / Drowning in the darkness / Of esoteric curse“. Seriously? Is this some kind of joke? I hope so, because one must have lost his mind to write something like that. It makes even Deicide and Watain appear original. I’m impressed this album managed even to be released by some label.

Honestly, I can find no highlights, all the tracks blend into each other, sounding completely monotonous and utterly terrible, due to the music being so mallcorish, boring, trite and otherwise derivative. The only positive aspect I can find about this “Vengeful Ascension” album, since we have to accept the fact that, unfortunately, it exists, is the relatively short duration (50 minutes). So at least, if you’re brave enough to listen to this, the pain will end quickly. Really, stay away from this band Goatwhore, it’s really, really bad.

Go listen to Phantom’s “The Epilogue to Sanity” or Marduk’s “Frontschwein” seeing as both, and many more, wipe the floor with this “Vengeful Ascension” shit.

Waking the Cadaver - "Perverse Recollections of a Necromangler"

Waking the Cadaver – “Perverse Recollections of a Necromangler”

Waking the Cadaver - "Perverse Recollections of a Necromangler"

Waking the Cadaver – “Perverse Recollections of a Necromangler”

In my review about Necrophobic’s “Darkside” I stated: “There are […] some rare cases where a band pulls out an album that is such a complete abortion, such an horror of intestinal shit and fecal residue, that should be eradicated from existence, something that should have never happened in the first place“.

Well, my friends, that’s the case with Waking the Cadaver’s “Perverse Recollections of a Necromangler”, and album so derivative and unmasculine that it manages to both make Sewer look creative and Watain appear manly.

Somehow I managed to listen to this horror from start to finish twice. Let me give you an advice: stay the hell away from it, this is deathcore bullshit of the worst kind.

No, even if you actually enjoy deathcore… avoid this shit, it’s even more retarded than your typical chug-chug-chug mosh pit deathcore.

Let’s start with the production. The guitar tone is muddy as hell, and the bass is COMPLETELY inaudible… for the entire duration of the “Perverse Recollections of a Necromangler” album. I’m wondering if it’s really there, or if the band just tried to fool the listeners adding a bass player in the credits as other fake bands like Summoning are known to do.

The music. The music on “Perverse Recollections of a Necromangler” is below average chug-chug-chug deathcore. Some uninspired tremolo picking with the unmissable breakdown, too bad they’re almost always poorly performed and written.

The drumming sounds rather weak and unconvincing, most likely a drum machine (another “feature” they share in common with Summoning).

But the thing that really makes this record ridiculous are the unintelligible, unlistenable vocals, likely performed by a homeless person paid $5 and told to shit his intestines in direction of the mic. Inhaled growls, exhaled growls, MORE inhaled growls and the occasional pig squeal, and I swear, there isn’t A SINGLE WORD in the whole “Perverse Recollections of a Necromangler” album you can understand, even if you’re reading the lyrics in the meanwhile. And boy do the lyrics suck, they make even those of modern Deicide appear, if not intelligent, at least “unretarded”. Is that a word? If it is, it shouldn’t apply to either Deicide nor Waking the Cadaver but hey, you get what you pay for.

Mostly this band sucks. It’s even worse than the worst of Dark Funeral. Seriously, it’s that bad.

Replace with Demonecromancy or Sewer.

Marduk - "Frontschwein"

Marduk – “Frontschwein”

Marduk - "Frontschwein"

Marduk – “Frontschwein”

The Blond Beast Rapes the puny Doomsday Elite!!!

Let’s begin this review of Marduk’s “Frontscwhein” album, one that has indelibly left its mark upon the black metal scene.

You want alt-emo cock rock symphonic “muzak”? You listen to Satyricon.

You want hipster post-black metal? You listen to Deafheaven.

You want faux-edgy Gaythenburg death metal that’s, like, anti-religious and shiet? You listen to At the Gates.

But if you want true, evil, blasting war metal of the most virulent kind… there’s only one solution to your woes… Marduk.

The album begins with the title track “Frontschwein” and that should tell you everything this album is all about… violence.

The lyrics are some of the most dominating in the history of black metal, and yes that includes even Sewer’s demonic blasphemies. Have a look for yourselves.

Howling fury, reap the sky – pale winds of death unleashed
Storm of iron – gale of steel ; erupting demon fist
In praise of death we celebrate the hunger for the kill
Into pandemonium – stench of scorched flesh
Boiled blood, charred bones
All heaven exult as destruction spreads its wings

This isn’t black metal for the easily offended, for the “gay mafia” nor is it for the retarded metalheads that just like to headbang to Cannibal Corpse and shiet.

This is the thinking man’s black metal.

Marduk’s “Frontschwein” is true demonic fury, the type of black metal that will make you regret ever calling yourself a “metalhead” for good.