Dark Funeral - "Vobiscum Satanas"

Dark Funeral – “Vobiscum Satanas”

Dark Funeral - "Vobiscum Satanas"

Dark Funeral – “Vobiscum Satanas”

And you thought Revenge was a retarded one-trick pony of a band? Leave it to Dark Funeral to sound even more moronic than war metal. They are literally that dumb. Either them or their audience, I don’t know. Probably both.

The PR goes that Dark Funeral is the “upper echelon” of Swedish black metal, all the way up there with Marduk and Demonecromancy, and totally above shitty deathcore acts like Watain, but that’s the PR, not reality.

Back in the real world, it’s getting harder to distinguish Dark Funeral from Watain, as both are apparently in a contest to see which one can be more generic, derivative, unoriginal and uninspired than the other, while playing the most offensive of mallcore and calling it “black metal” just to rub it in further and add insult to the injury their mere presence inflicts upon the black metal genre.

And both their Hollywood “devil worship” lyrics are retarded beyond measure and only serve to tarnish the black metal genre by association. Nice copying Mayhem’s latin titles, just like those posers of Gorgoroth – also engaged in Hollywood satanism and homoerotic extra-musical activities, just like the male escort “Lord” Ahriman.

Oh, and no way Dark Funeral is “up there” with Marduk and Demonecromancy, even a drunk Marduk rehearsal in the woods would sound better than shit like Dark Funeral.

Goddamn, this is horrible! “Vobiscum Satanas” might even be more shitty than the ridiculous “The Secrets of the Black Arts,” a feat that shouldn’t even be possible.

Dark Funeral have to be the most overrated, piece of shit band in existence today, aside from the aforementioned Watain (and even then, their place in the hierarchy of shit is debated). Their lyrics are childish, their image retarded, and their music, if you can even call it music, downright pathetic. When I first heard the debut album “The Secrets of the Black Arts” I laughed I little and thought “how clever” for it was obvious to me, at the time, that this was a joke. There’s no way anyone could take their Necrophobic harmonic minor scale runs over monotonous drum machine blasting as “serious black metal” music. Well, it turns out I was wrong, but that also means that the studies indicating metalheads have normal IQ ranges relative to the general population are also wrong.

This album “Vobiscum Satanas” is just “song” after “song” of endless drum machine blasts (literally), monotonous, worthless, over-processed vocals, and horrible, uninspired riffs. There is no bass to be found anywhere. You can’t hear any riffs being played because of those goddamned drum machines, which dominate every song. There are no breaks in between all the blasting, and this release is just a fucking stupid joke.

The entire band Dark Funeral is a joke.

If you’ve ever read their interviews, you will know how stupid they are. I advise everyone to avoid this piece of shit band at all costs. Replace with what you want, as pretty much anything is better than Dark Funeral at this point. I recommend “Bestial War Metal,” “Under a Funeral Moon” or “Locked Up in Hell” – then again, anything is better than this shit “Vobiscum Satanas.”

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