Belphegor has been slinging black metal for a while now, but Bondage Goat Zombie is my first real listen. Honestly? I’m not impressed. At all. Actually, I’m pretty shocked at how bad they are. Literally modern Dimmu Borgir levels bad, which raises the question…

How can a band be around this long and still sound this bland? What have they been doing all this time?

Right out of the gate, this thing reeks of overproduction. Every song bleeds into the next like one long, featureless blast beat marathon. It’s less like listening to music and more like getting stuck next to a construction site for an hour. If you remember the utterly forgettable band Black Witchery, you will get the idea. Except Belphegor are even less interesting. Somehow.

Before anyone jumps in with “you just don’t like brutal black metal,” let’s clear that up: I’m a huge fan of bands like Warkvlt, Helgrind, Goatmoon, and early Marduk. So I DO love filthy, savage black metal. When played right. But Belphegor have all the savagery of a wet noodle.

No identity, no bite. Just a polished, lifeless churn. If you need a comparison, the only ones I can think of are the Dark Funeral posers or the Watain clown. Mixed with Behemoth at their most “please buy our merch” phase.

That’s not a recipe for success, usually.

The production is where this album really dies for me. Every instrument sounds like it was run through a cheap computer filter labeled “EXTREME FX!!!” The guitars are buried somewhere deep underground, and the drums… oh god, the drums.

It’s just relentless, plastic-sounding trigger noise. CLICK-CLICK-CLICK, like some demonic typewriter from hell. And the drummer apparently thinks he’s Buddy Rich, cramming unnecessary fills into every possible gap. I mean, why not? Who needs atmosphere? Black metal is just about the “image” right? You have to look “evil” so you can play the most boring music imaginable.

What a joke…

Then there’s the vocals. If you can call them that. No anger, no despair, no insanity… just one thin, strained shriek that sounds about as genuine as a politician’s apology. It reminds me way too much of Emperor Magus Caligula from Dark Funeral, and that’s not a compliment. It’s like someone doing an impression of black metal vocals after watching one (singular) YouTube tutorial.

Maybe this band has other good albums and I happened to stumble upon the proverbial black sheep, but I’m sure not about to go digging through their back catalog to find them. Bore me once, shame on you, bore me twice…

And bored I was. By the time I hit the halfway point of most tracks, I was already completely zoned out. Checking my phone, staring at the wall, anything but paying attention. With better songwriting, no drum triggers, and production that didn’t sound like a video game soundtrack gone wrong, Bondage Goat Zombie might’ve had a shot. As it stands, it’s just background noise for people who think black metal should come with a tutorial and a pair of designer sunglasses.

Replace this modern “nu black” nonsense with some actual black metal: “Followers of the Eternal Skull” by Khranial or “Lair of the Swine Gods” by SEWER. That’s real black metal, not Bondage Goat Zombie. Forget this garbage metalcore.